New car

Confused on Friday. He's left his car, my car and the motorobike, but seems to be at work. "How did you get to work?" "Got the bus. Picking up that car on the way home." "What car?" etc etc. Apparently barking from the computer: "Look at this Audi, just like our old one inside, but different colour seats," equates to a conversation in which we sensibly put forward our thoughts on the purchase of a new vehicle.

Anyway I don't care. The last time he came home with a new car: "Man, look at this it looks just like your first Golf. I thought it was it," I was annoyed. The thing was manual. "What the fuck it's going to BLOW UP," "Mum, change into second..." and high maintenance. It changed the whole lexicon of our journey-based shared experience:

‘Won’t be long, just pulled over to get some petrol’

Head gasket’s gone. Waiting for recovery.

‘Fun’ as in ‘just a bit of fun’

Money pit/death trap. The only people likely to experience an element of fun with this vehicle are your neighbours as they bat off frequent requests for jump-leads and engine oil with smirky comments about how their Mazda’s windows never get frozen shut/open and how they’ve not needed to charge a battery for years since they had that old Passat but that of course was just for running the dogs to the woods and they’re both dead now.

‘Holds the road like glue’

Slow punctures in all four tyres.

‘It’s just for driving to the station’

Where it will be broken into on a weekly basis by some little chav using nothing more sophisticated than a paperclip. This is how you will lose three digital cameras, an Iphone, a month’s supermarket shopping and a small child.

‘It’s just a small thing needs fixing with the suspension’

GET IN air-ride. Whoop whoop.

‘Project’

Fun x 50

 ‘Sweet’, as in the gear box/battery/starter motor is

Fucked. The words ‘brand new’ can also be used in this context.

Anyway, as I said I don't care. It's not a motorbike.